Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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