I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
