i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
