There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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