you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
