My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
