what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
