I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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