"it" just moved
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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