Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
