I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
