U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
