Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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