well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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