just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
