My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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