decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Randomize
