had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
