note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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