alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
