She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
