I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
