Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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