Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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