We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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