...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
