Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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