Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The air taste purple.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
