I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
