She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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