Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
