my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
