I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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