I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
