I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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