I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
