I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
