My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
