can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
