After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
