I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
