Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
