Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
