i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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