I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
