U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
