i think my mom watched the whole time
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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