its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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