we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
