I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
you made out with another girl for some wings
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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