The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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