I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
